we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
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By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
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I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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