anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You are a genius and a whore.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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