I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
