i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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