i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
