I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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