Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
