Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
All I want is dick and wine.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
