A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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