$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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