Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
