mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Randomize
