Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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