apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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