so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
