Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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