Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
