I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We have started to decorate penises.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
