Your face is a jimmy john
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
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It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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