Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
