I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
