I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
is wine microwaveable?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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