I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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