You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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