I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
