Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
