When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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