who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
