home. puking in laundry basket.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
