When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
