they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
