I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
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i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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