If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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