If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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