Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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