Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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