She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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