My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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