This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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