i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
