His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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