I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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