I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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