I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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