Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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