We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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