I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
