Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
