I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
