Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
