absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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