Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize