hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
