when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
